Deus ex Sesshomaru no Machina
by Salome Sensei
Summary: Utterly self-indulgent humor fluff. Sesshomaru confronts me as a fanfiction writer. I try to defend my cruel treatment of him in my stories. I hope it's funny!


© Salome Wilde, 2008

Deus Ex Sesshomaru no Machina

Hey, Sesshomaru.

"Who speaks?"

Just me, Salome.

"I do not know any 'Saa-loh-meh.' Are you yokai?"

I wish.

"A god, then?"

Well, to you, I guess.

"Did you summon me?"

Yeah.

"Why?"

Just to talk.

"Why can I not see you?"

Hmm. I guess because we're on different…planes of existence or something. The only place we can meet is here, through these words. It's how I create you.

"You are my creator?"

Whoa, no no. Don't get me sued here. Your actual creator is Rumiko Takahashi, a 50-year-old Japanese woman.

"I do not understand."

Don't worry about it. It's just a disclaimer.

"Dis-cou-rei-maru?"

Um, yeah. Anyhow, I've just been borrowing you for fun, non-profit distraction.

"Borrowing me?"

Yeah, I make up stories with you in them, trying to represent you in a believable fashion, seeing how I think you'd react in different scenarios, especially romantic and sexual ones.

"You are the one who made me wake up one morning to find Rin suddenly an adult and too sexually tempting to avoid?"

Yup.

"It is you who made me rape her and express regret for it?!"

Uh huh. Don't you think she deserved at least an explanation? It was rather harsh.

"I am Lord Sesshomaru, daiyokai and son of the Great Dog Demon. Harsh is what I do!"

Yeahhhhhh. It's what makes you so damn sexy. And so tempting to manipulate. You are so hot when you get all angry-demon-powered, I just can't help myself. When you took Rin like that and marked her, it was nasty but it was so much fun to write. But stop complaining. You've gotten to climax twice with her. Even though she had no experience, I let her give you some great head that first time, didn't I? That was nice, wasn't it?

"Well, yes. But you should have stopped there. You degrade my magnificence with every new chapter. I came to her in her sleep and 'comforted' her orally! Disgusting. Now I am kissing her mouth and tenderly nibbling on her weak human flesh? You have me mounting her not like an inuyokai, from behind and with power, but like a feeble, pathetic human. You have made me more concerned with her pleasure than my own. You shame and humiliate me for your own pleasure. I do not even recognize myself."

/sigh/ I'm sorry, Sesshomaru. That's a danger in writing extended romantic story arcs, no question.

"And in all that time, I have had no quest, no mission, no honor. I've gotten hit by a poisoned arrow somehow in some battle I have no details or memory of and fought only one minor demon, that absurd two-tailed snake creature that I dispatched in two slashes of my claws."

Well, that was pretty cool, wasn't it?

"Pitiful."

Sorry. It's just not what I'm interested in. I like the romance.

"You are a cruel god."

Is there any other kind?

"You made me fuck Inuyasha, too, didn't you?"

/grin/ Definitely.

"I thought the excuse of an evilly enchanted dagger was ridiculous. Naraku looked like a fool with a dagger in his hand."

True. That one was really stupid. But hot. I loved writing it. And it was short.

"Yes, it was over quickly. And at least I was on Top."

Indeed.

"But speaking of Naraku…"

I thought you'd probably bring that up next.

"How could you!"

I know.

"That filthy hanyo. You made me his bitch!"

Try to have a sense of humor about it. Readers really like it. Some of them get really angry about it, but they love it, really. You're such an idol for us fans. And seeing you used that way drives us wild. It just makes us love you more.

"I do not want your love, foul god. You sound just like a human."

Well…

"You are going to let me triumph over Naraku in the end, are you not?"

Of course. I mean, when he looks like Lord Hitomi, he's totally hot. But his squishy multi-demon icky-Onigumo stuff. Just yuck. So, I won't have him take you unless he looks like Hitomi, and I promise you'll get revenge. You're my main demon squeeze, Sesshomaru. Truly. You're the hottest thing in the manga and especially the anime (where you thankfully look more adult). So many fans agree.

"Fans?"

Other…gods.

"I see. And do all of them manipulate me for their pleasure?"

Some.

"It makes me shudder."

Yeah, kind of uke, huh?

…

So, anything else you wanna talk about?

"No."

Don't be sullen, Sesshy.

"My name is Sesshomaru. LORD Sesshomaru."

Forgive me, Sesshomaru-sama. Tell me how I can make it up to you.

"No."

Please?

"I have no more to say. My life is apparently yours to control. And I loathe you for it. If I could reach into your realm, I would destroy you."

Could you…um…ravage me first?

"What?"

You know, take me from behind, wreak a little sexual havoc on me—like only you can do.

"Despoil a god, eh? Perhaps."

Oh shit, never mind. Too Mary Sue. No reader would ever respect me again.

"I do not understand."

Doesn't matter. Why don't you tell me something you might enjoy doing, and I promise to work it into the next story, ok?

"Hmmm… Could you degrade Inuyasha some more?"

Absolutely. I let Koga rape him the other day. You want to watch next time?

"Perhaps."

Anything else?

"Let me be the Seme again."

How about Miroku?

"The monk? All right. Why not. Just as long as I look forbidding and dominant."

You got it.


End file.
